Hello, so i am kind of weirded out doing this but i am so confused right now im not really sure what else to do.
About 2 years ago i stayed in sahaja and on a remote campground about 20-mins. away driving distance from sahaja for about 4-5 months. Also i followed mooji to london and ended up staying there for about a month in between. In any case i was going to satsang for about 4/5 months straight.
I first went to open satsangs which is how i ended up on a small campground outside of sahaja.
In a way i feel like i have not by any means gotten away from the environment after 2 going on 3 yrs.
I still partially trust mooji and am confused having already "renounced" the whole mooji scene, and then watched satsang rejoicing and praying i can be there again. The fact is it literally changed my life. Was it good or bad i really dont know amymore.
Okay so i got instantly deep into ashram life in alentejo. The couple running the campsite now christened "little sahaja" were the "hosts" for a large amount of the time. I was picked up from the train station by the male of the couple and was having immediately strange reactions to him, subsequently every time i was alone usually in the car with him i would get VERY weird vibes from this dude. Like domineering and repressed sexual vibes. I actually hated to be alone with him. I am a young female.
Every ride or anything costs a certain amount, they were extremely strict about payment to the point where they began changing the rules for payments for staying on the campground to the beginning of the month, rules "change" very quickly around there. Usually when someone feels like it, because there is literally noone there to argue.
Okay so long story short i had what i would call rapid intense spiritual growth in a short amount of time, however ended up having this vision of becoming one of the devotees by moojis side forever and abruptly left.
Ironically almost exactly after cleaning out my literal life savings and my visa expired.
I have been blaming myself for leaving and for these misfortunes to the point of sickness. Physical and mental sickness and also have absolutely noone to relate this kind of experience to.
For the most part i have told myself i was too attached to money and i deserved to get it all taken away. I used to have a place to live before i went there, i have been sleeping on someones couch for the past 2 yrs. now. And like one of the people who wrote earlier have found it nearly impossible to work, think for myself whatsoever, make rational descisions, and have recently started lashing out very abusively from a place of real hatred to every single person i know.
Even living in this world seems like a chore and i am even starting to feel like im possessed by demonic forces because i cannot differentiate between right and wrong good and evil so on, anymore.
I have never had a problem so much in life as now, ongoing for years. Everything and everyone is completey alien and foriegn. I have continued to have spiritual guidance however just in general, from books or from teachers i like online.
I went to mooji because i have a deep reverence for ramana and papaji whom i had been readibg and studying diligently for years before going. And i actually had a vision of ramana saying "why dont you go and see my son?"
That is mainly why i am so confused because i got the go ahead and i trusted that and randomly made it there. This is why i am believing it is actually all my fault that these horrible things are happening.
I never saw anything overtly crazy going on in sahaja, mostly it is very pleasant, they do have some exercises
like laughing yoga which i felt were very forced and had a weird vibe.
I saw mooji directly out and about several times and yet only spoke to him on two occasions. On one of the occasions i asked why is this so different from the world, i see the world here too, i had gone into some trance or samadhi type of state, while he literally asked me why people didnt understand him, maybe they were too stupid? In a very condisending and agitated tone
I was highly congratulated for that interaction.
Okay so also my friend i made while i was there we ended up hanging out a lot of the time and sort of had crushes on each other, he has been in and out of a psychiactric ward this entire time, going slowly insane and being heavily medicated which is totally disgusting. He was never medicated before going here, or in a psych ward. We are still in communication but dont really know what to say, all he talks about is he has to get back to mooji because hes the only one who can save him.
I am in another type of psych ward of my home town where i grew up, barely being able to function normally and making absolutely horrible decisions out of total confusion and desperation.
So yeah i am in the quintessential sick reality of whatever the hell i dont know, it really feels like a realm of literal hell. Every experience is hellish and tormenting and im living with in the worst possible environment for this circumstance. And you just start feeling more and more hopeless like how am i ever going to get out of this? You ask but NO solution comes unless its back to satsang of course
About 2 years ago i stayed in sahaja and on a remote campground about 20-mins. away driving distance from sahaja for about 4-5 months. Also i followed mooji to london and ended up staying there for about a month in between. In any case i was going to satsang for about 4/5 months straight.
I first went to open satsangs which is how i ended up on a small campground outside of sahaja.
In a way i feel like i have not by any means gotten away from the environment after 2 going on 3 yrs.
I still partially trust mooji and am confused having already "renounced" the whole mooji scene, and then watched satsang rejoicing and praying i can be there again. The fact is it literally changed my life. Was it good or bad i really dont know amymore.
Okay so i got instantly deep into ashram life in alentejo. The couple running the campsite now christened "little sahaja" were the "hosts" for a large amount of the time. I was picked up from the train station by the male of the couple and was having immediately strange reactions to him, subsequently every time i was alone usually in the car with him i would get VERY weird vibes from this dude. Like domineering and repressed sexual vibes. I actually hated to be alone with him. I am a young female.
Every ride or anything costs a certain amount, they were extremely strict about payment to the point where they began changing the rules for payments for staying on the campground to the beginning of the month, rules "change" very quickly around there. Usually when someone feels like it, because there is literally noone there to argue.
Okay so long story short i had what i would call rapid intense spiritual growth in a short amount of time, however ended up having this vision of becoming one of the devotees by moojis side forever and abruptly left.
Ironically almost exactly after cleaning out my literal life savings and my visa expired.
I have been blaming myself for leaving and for these misfortunes to the point of sickness. Physical and mental sickness and also have absolutely noone to relate this kind of experience to.
For the most part i have told myself i was too attached to money and i deserved to get it all taken away. I used to have a place to live before i went there, i have been sleeping on someones couch for the past 2 yrs. now. And like one of the people who wrote earlier have found it nearly impossible to work, think for myself whatsoever, make rational descisions, and have recently started lashing out very abusively from a place of real hatred to every single person i know.
Even living in this world seems like a chore and i am even starting to feel like im possessed by demonic forces because i cannot differentiate between right and wrong good and evil so on, anymore.
I have never had a problem so much in life as now, ongoing for years. Everything and everyone is completey alien and foriegn. I have continued to have spiritual guidance however just in general, from books or from teachers i like online.
I went to mooji because i have a deep reverence for ramana and papaji whom i had been readibg and studying diligently for years before going. And i actually had a vision of ramana saying "why dont you go and see my son?"
That is mainly why i am so confused because i got the go ahead and i trusted that and randomly made it there. This is why i am believing it is actually all my fault that these horrible things are happening.
I never saw anything overtly crazy going on in sahaja, mostly it is very pleasant, they do have some exercises
like laughing yoga which i felt were very forced and had a weird vibe.
I saw mooji directly out and about several times and yet only spoke to him on two occasions. On one of the occasions i asked why is this so different from the world, i see the world here too, i had gone into some trance or samadhi type of state, while he literally asked me why people didnt understand him, maybe they were too stupid? In a very condisending and agitated tone
I was highly congratulated for that interaction.
Okay so also my friend i made while i was there we ended up hanging out a lot of the time and sort of had crushes on each other, he has been in and out of a psychiactric ward this entire time, going slowly insane and being heavily medicated which is totally disgusting. He was never medicated before going here, or in a psych ward. We are still in communication but dont really know what to say, all he talks about is he has to get back to mooji because hes the only one who can save him.
I am in another type of psych ward of my home town where i grew up, barely being able to function normally and making absolutely horrible decisions out of total confusion and desperation.
So yeah i am in the quintessential sick reality of whatever the hell i dont know, it really feels like a realm of literal hell. Every experience is hellish and tormenting and im living with in the worst possible environment for this circumstance. And you just start feeling more and more hopeless like how am i ever going to get out of this? You ask but NO solution comes unless its back to satsang of course