Hey!
first of all, i am not a native speaker, so please excuse my english...
Since more than 7 months i try to recover from my belief in nonduality/advaita. i was part of the satsang-movement for 7 years, visited different teachers, watched thousands of videos, read hunderts of books etc. etc. i was deeply looking for "enlightenment". i thought this could free me from my suffering (i am a long term sufferer from anxiety, panic attacks and depression).
in summer last year i visited a 7-day-retreat. no meditation, only satsang two times a day. one evening i got a panic attack in satsang because i had the feeling i couldn't understand anymore what they were talking about. i went upfront and talked with the teachers. they calmed me down somehow, but since this moment i couldn't stop thinking about the "real meaning" of the teaching.
i came home from the retreat and things started getting really weird. i got panic attacks daily and was very anxious. but i still thought i have to somehow "get it" or i have to really understand that there is no "self", then all this suffering will disappear. i spiraled down into a deep hole of obsessive thinking. first of all i had just a few moments of depersonalization but since 7 months it is a constant condition.
it is as if i am living all their teachings. i feel like "i" disappeared. everything that's left of me is just this body, witch isn't "mine" anymore, just a random bunch of flesh moving around doing things, but without a "doer" inside. i feel like a biological machine, programmed to talk, walk, eat and do stuff. but all happens "without me".
so - if no-self is bliss, like they told me - i must feel very happy and liberated right now. but i don't. since 7 months my life is completely ruined.
i would do anything to get out of this condition. it feels so terrible wrong.
in the beginning i spoke with a few teachers about my experience and they gave me different answers. and everytime i spoke with a teacher i got more afraid.
so i stopped doing this and tried to look for psychological explanations and tried to do the things which are recommended for curing depersonalization.
but i don't get better. and i think this is because i still somehow believe that their teachings are "the truth" and that i now realized it. every day i obsess about free will, control and the self. i try to find arguments against these kind of teachings but nothing makes enough sense to really convince me.
on my way of looking for arguments i also came across this website. i don't really know what i am looking for. maybe i hope that someone can convice me that there is no ultimate truth out there and that we are not just biologial robots running around.
i will appreciate every advise.. thank you!
first of all, i am not a native speaker, so please excuse my english...
Since more than 7 months i try to recover from my belief in nonduality/advaita. i was part of the satsang-movement for 7 years, visited different teachers, watched thousands of videos, read hunderts of books etc. etc. i was deeply looking for "enlightenment". i thought this could free me from my suffering (i am a long term sufferer from anxiety, panic attacks and depression).
in summer last year i visited a 7-day-retreat. no meditation, only satsang two times a day. one evening i got a panic attack in satsang because i had the feeling i couldn't understand anymore what they were talking about. i went upfront and talked with the teachers. they calmed me down somehow, but since this moment i couldn't stop thinking about the "real meaning" of the teaching.
i came home from the retreat and things started getting really weird. i got panic attacks daily and was very anxious. but i still thought i have to somehow "get it" or i have to really understand that there is no "self", then all this suffering will disappear. i spiraled down into a deep hole of obsessive thinking. first of all i had just a few moments of depersonalization but since 7 months it is a constant condition.
it is as if i am living all their teachings. i feel like "i" disappeared. everything that's left of me is just this body, witch isn't "mine" anymore, just a random bunch of flesh moving around doing things, but without a "doer" inside. i feel like a biological machine, programmed to talk, walk, eat and do stuff. but all happens "without me".
so - if no-self is bliss, like they told me - i must feel very happy and liberated right now. but i don't. since 7 months my life is completely ruined.
i would do anything to get out of this condition. it feels so terrible wrong.
in the beginning i spoke with a few teachers about my experience and they gave me different answers. and everytime i spoke with a teacher i got more afraid.
so i stopped doing this and tried to look for psychological explanations and tried to do the things which are recommended for curing depersonalization.
but i don't get better. and i think this is because i still somehow believe that their teachings are "the truth" and that i now realized it. every day i obsess about free will, control and the self. i try to find arguments against these kind of teachings but nothing makes enough sense to really convince me.
on my way of looking for arguments i also came across this website. i don't really know what i am looking for. maybe i hope that someone can convice me that there is no ultimate truth out there and that we are not just biologial robots running around.
i will appreciate every advise.. thank you!