This double bind article is fascinating.
Double binds become especially binding if they are such
that the victim is scared/ashamed to talk to anyone outside of the
double binding relationship.
If the double bind is such that it causes the victim to avoid giving
conscious thought to the situation.
Imagine trying to put your key into the lock on your front door if you are facing away from the door.
A double bind is most powerful when the targeted person's zone of awareness is
so constricted that he or she can't picture anything or anyone outside the
relationship.
Its like trying to escape a building with no windows , no doors, no exit signs.
Only way to get out is kick a hole in the wall.
The equivalent to this is
to dismantle* the entire belief system you share with the jerk who is double binding you, since the belief system is part of the recipe that forms the double bind.
*(Permanently or temporarily)
Other ingredients in a double bind:
* You need this person
* This person has something no one else has
* This person merits your trust and submission
* You can't discuss this with anyone outside the relationship
An example of a double bind.
Years ago, someone told me about a double bind she'd been led into.
This person had come to rely on a much trusted, must beloved Christian
spiritual director, Reverend A.
One day, the spiritual director told X that he and his spiritual director
had been discussing Reverend A's guidance of his counselees.
Reverent A said that he and his spiritual director had spent
a lot of time discussing X and said their conclusions had been
"interesting". Reverend A paused and said, to my friend X, "We can talk about this
in our scheduled session tomorrow."
My pal was in suspense for the following 24 hours. Then she went in
to her scheduled appointment with her spiritual advisor. Not wanting to
seem pushy, X said nothing during the session and waited for Reverend A
to bring the subject up.
(You can see how X was submissive to Reverend A, whom she took to be
a major authority figure in her life. Reverend A was her major source
of emotional support at that time.
Finally, with X's suspense at fever pitch, her attention focused on this
very topic, Reverend A mentioned that he and his spiritual advisor
had discussed her.
According to Reverend A, he and his spiritual advisor concluded that my friend
A had the potential to become a saint.
This disclosure tied my friend up in knots for years afterwards.
This had maximum impact on X because Reverend A had teased her with the
information, keeping her in suspense for an entire day beforehand.
Being told your are a potential saint isolates you. You can't ask anyone outside the relationship for fear of being laughed at, being ridiculed. So
this left my friend A stuck with a burdensome secret.
To imagine that Reverend A had committed malpractice by saying such a thing
would have required X to recognize that Reverend A was untrustworthy. This
was intolerably frightening, because the Reverend was her major source
of support at a difficult time in her life. And, leaving Reverend A would have
meant looking for other confidantes, and would have forced my friend to
talk about this entire very embarrassing subject.
* This was confusing -- and it made X feel all the more dependent on her
spiritual advisor -- the one who caused the confusion by mentioning this.
* X could not ask further questions about this or let herself think about this
for fear of falling into ego inflation or being reprimanded for being egotistical.
* This imposed a burden of fear. In the belief system shared by Reverend A
and friend X, someone who is a saint or a potential saint faces more
harassment from Satan.
Double binds become especially binding if they are such
that the victim is scared/ashamed to talk to anyone outside of the
double binding relationship.
If the double bind is such that it causes the victim to avoid giving
conscious thought to the situation.
Imagine trying to put your key into the lock on your front door if you are facing away from the door.
A double bind is most powerful when the targeted person's zone of awareness is
so constricted that he or she can't picture anything or anyone outside the
relationship.
Its like trying to escape a building with no windows , no doors, no exit signs.
Only way to get out is kick a hole in the wall.
The equivalent to this is
to dismantle* the entire belief system you share with the jerk who is double binding you, since the belief system is part of the recipe that forms the double bind.
*(Permanently or temporarily)
Other ingredients in a double bind:
* You need this person
* This person has something no one else has
* This person merits your trust and submission
* You can't discuss this with anyone outside the relationship
An example of a double bind.
Years ago, someone told me about a double bind she'd been led into.
This person had come to rely on a much trusted, must beloved Christian
spiritual director, Reverend A.
One day, the spiritual director told X that he and his spiritual director
had been discussing Reverend A's guidance of his counselees.
Reverent A said that he and his spiritual director had spent
a lot of time discussing X and said their conclusions had been
"interesting". Reverend A paused and said, to my friend X, "We can talk about this
in our scheduled session tomorrow."
My pal was in suspense for the following 24 hours. Then she went in
to her scheduled appointment with her spiritual advisor. Not wanting to
seem pushy, X said nothing during the session and waited for Reverend A
to bring the subject up.
(You can see how X was submissive to Reverend A, whom she took to be
a major authority figure in her life. Reverend A was her major source
of emotional support at that time.
Finally, with X's suspense at fever pitch, her attention focused on this
very topic, Reverend A mentioned that he and his spiritual advisor
had discussed her.
According to Reverend A, he and his spiritual advisor concluded that my friend
A had the potential to become a saint.
This disclosure tied my friend up in knots for years afterwards.
This had maximum impact on X because Reverend A had teased her with the
information, keeping her in suspense for an entire day beforehand.
Being told your are a potential saint isolates you. You can't ask anyone outside the relationship for fear of being laughed at, being ridiculed. So
this left my friend A stuck with a burdensome secret.
To imagine that Reverend A had committed malpractice by saying such a thing
would have required X to recognize that Reverend A was untrustworthy. This
was intolerably frightening, because the Reverend was her major source
of support at a difficult time in her life. And, leaving Reverend A would have
meant looking for other confidantes, and would have forced my friend to
talk about this entire very embarrassing subject.
* This was confusing -- and it made X feel all the more dependent on her
spiritual advisor -- the one who caused the confusion by mentioning this.
* X could not ask further questions about this or let herself think about this
for fear of falling into ego inflation or being reprimanded for being egotistical.
* This imposed a burden of fear. In the belief system shared by Reverend A
and friend X, someone who is a saint or a potential saint faces more
harassment from Satan.