How it works

Here is another ingredient along with the drip drip drip of fear:

Nostalgia.

When someone we love turns abusive, we keep reminding ourselves of the early times, the good times. We think we need to have a balanced attitude. Part of it is fairness; Anglo American culture values fairness.

And, it is too terrifying to consider that something is going terribly wrong, and that X is not who
she presented herself as being when first we fell in love.

So we keep remembering the "good times" freeze and make ourselves ignore the tantrums or vicious verbal
jabs, hoping the latter are an aberration.

Result is, we, the abused, regard each incident of abuse as an isolated event. We usually assume X is having a bad day, or that what X says is true, it is our fault. We do not let ourselves step back and look at *all* of these abusive incidents nor allow ourselves to recognize a pattern. Nor do we take a look at what a
difference there is in how we felt early on and now, when we are feeling and creeping like scared mice.

When we dare recognize a pattern to the abuse, all too often we have put all our trust in the very person who is abusing us, we are used to looking to that person for advice in sorting things out. Because we've
been successfully romanced into devaluing our own judgement, devaluing or neglecting the friends we once relied on. In the worst situations all or most of our friendships are tied to the coterie surrounding the guru.