One way to deny the fear bond one actually has with the guru is to compare yourself to other disciples who are demonstrative in their blissful devotion.
You watch them or hear of them going all out. Throwing themselves at the gurus feet in public. You look at them making those embarrassing infantile displays of emotion and hold yourself aloof. Especially if you are a professional, with a public reputation to keep.
We listen to the blissful disciples gush about the guru. We make sure we do not talk about the guru that way.
We will ourselves to feel sober and adult in relation to the guru.
Yes, we feel adult, sober, independent in relation to the guru, but those are
just self willed perceptions.
We are denying, keeping secret even from ourselves, how achingly dependent we feel, how abjectly terrifyingly grateful we feel -- and how terrified we are of anything or anyone or any incident that will disrupt this real bond we have with the guru.
We refuse to admit this to ourselves. We are like the alcoholic who wills herself to feel lucid and safe to drive, when she's legless, staggering and her blood alcohol is over the legal limit.
We convince ourselves we are not already trapped in a love/fear dependence bond with the guru and group. f
We profess skepticism. We convince ourselves we have a sense of proportion about the whole thing, that we have not lost our heads and hearts, despite already having handed them over to the guru.
We may be able to complain about the guru, but these are token complaints. We may say we are disgusted and dismayed by the way people fawn all over the guru.
We ignore that the guru permits this fawning and created the entire social setting in which the fawning takes place.
we may speak, with contempt and disgust, how many disciples brag that they have stopped thinking.
We do not want to admit that we are afraid to think clearly or closely about our actual feelings towards the guru.
We are afraid to admit that we are horrified that life with the guru is all about big expensive buildings.
We are afraid to admit that we really hate the clothes and colors we are expected to wear, how we really dislike the guru's artwork.
We can't stand to admit we hate the type of artwork music and decor we are expected to have in our homes and offices.
We do not want to admit we afraid think clearly and closely about lies we have told, ethical violations we have committed that the world outside the ashram, church or lodge would not approve of. We do not want to admit that have become afraid of our own memories, our
own doubts, our own dismay at the secrets we now keep - secrets that also keep us -- keep us trapped.
We may speak of how needy the new generation disciples are, that they are infantile, demanding to be spoonfed, that they are making the guru overworked by their sheer numbers and their disgusting neediness.
We ignore that we are feeling just as needy and are terrified to admit this because we can see no way to leave the situation, leaving feels to us like emotional and social death.
We ignore that we are furious because we cannot see the guru any more, not like the good old days when it was just a few disciples. Above all we ignore that the guru is intentionally selecting and intensifying "neediness" in disciples.
Saddest of all we may be afraid to admit that the guru wants as many new disciples as possible, because the new disciples are uncritical are adoring and with the new ashram facilities and guru videos on YouTube arrive already pre formatted for indoctrination.
We may be afraid to admit that the guru does not want us old timers anymore, because we remember when the guru was young and slim and handsome, did not throw tantrums and was easily accessible.
We do not want to admit that to the guru, we were one among many, like a can of beer, appreciated when full, ignored when emptied.
You watch them or hear of them going all out. Throwing themselves at the gurus feet in public. You look at them making those embarrassing infantile displays of emotion and hold yourself aloof. Especially if you are a professional, with a public reputation to keep.
We listen to the blissful disciples gush about the guru. We make sure we do not talk about the guru that way.
We will ourselves to feel sober and adult in relation to the guru.
Yes, we feel adult, sober, independent in relation to the guru, but those are
just self willed perceptions.
We are denying, keeping secret even from ourselves, how achingly dependent we feel, how abjectly terrifyingly grateful we feel -- and how terrified we are of anything or anyone or any incident that will disrupt this real bond we have with the guru.
We refuse to admit this to ourselves. We are like the alcoholic who wills herself to feel lucid and safe to drive, when she's legless, staggering and her blood alcohol is over the legal limit.
We convince ourselves we are not already trapped in a love/fear dependence bond with the guru and group. f
We profess skepticism. We convince ourselves we have a sense of proportion about the whole thing, that we have not lost our heads and hearts, despite already having handed them over to the guru.
We may be able to complain about the guru, but these are token complaints. We may say we are disgusted and dismayed by the way people fawn all over the guru.
We ignore that the guru permits this fawning and created the entire social setting in which the fawning takes place.
we may speak, with contempt and disgust, how many disciples brag that they have stopped thinking.
We do not want to admit that we are afraid to think clearly or closely about our actual feelings towards the guru.
We are afraid to admit that we are horrified that life with the guru is all about big expensive buildings.
We are afraid to admit that we really hate the clothes and colors we are expected to wear, how we really dislike the guru's artwork.
We can't stand to admit we hate the type of artwork music and decor we are expected to have in our homes and offices.
We do not want to admit we afraid think clearly and closely about lies we have told, ethical violations we have committed that the world outside the ashram, church or lodge would not approve of. We do not want to admit that have become afraid of our own memories, our
own doubts, our own dismay at the secrets we now keep - secrets that also keep us -- keep us trapped.
We may speak of how needy the new generation disciples are, that they are infantile, demanding to be spoonfed, that they are making the guru overworked by their sheer numbers and their disgusting neediness.
We ignore that we are feeling just as needy and are terrified to admit this because we can see no way to leave the situation, leaving feels to us like emotional and social death.
We ignore that we are furious because we cannot see the guru any more, not like the good old days when it was just a few disciples. Above all we ignore that the guru is intentionally selecting and intensifying "neediness" in disciples.
Saddest of all we may be afraid to admit that the guru wants as many new disciples as possible, because the new disciples are uncritical are adoring and with the new ashram facilities and guru videos on YouTube arrive already pre formatted for indoctrination.
We may be afraid to admit that the guru does not want us old timers anymore, because we remember when the guru was young and slim and handsome, did not throw tantrums and was easily accessible.
We do not want to admit that to the guru, we were one among many, like a can of beer, appreciated when full, ignored when emptied.