I've been part of Covenant Players ten years ago where I did my 2 year commitment. I've learned a lot and grown a lot which is good and well. So I have a lot of fond memories of the ministry; plays we did on the road and during showcasing, people I've worked with an places I've seen.
But it was not all good. There was a lot of pressure placed on me that I should continue in the ministry which I did not appreciate. It made me feel guilty for wanting to leave.
I'm an introvert and not having a lot of privacy (because we stayed together in other people's homes) was subconsciously very stressful on me. Also as an introvert I hated doing phone PR. I'm using the word HATE here. Talking to a stranger over a phone, trying to sell your product to him/her is something most introverts dislike doing. But there was this insistence that I do it so that I can grow. Why try change a person's personality? That's like telling a fish to start walking on land. We received a lot of praise from CP when you got pushed beyond your limits. It's not something that should be celebrated or even encouraged. It's irresponsible and can cause psychological damage. Yes, there is this whole thing about "not being challenged beyond your capacity". We should stop reading the Bible as philosophical book and remember that all the letters, accounts and prophecies were written at a very specific people during a very specific time. Historical context is key. Certain promises God made to someone does not necessarily apply to the rest of us. Remember, most promises in the Old Testament were aimed at Israel as a NATION. Not individuals. So, to say that a person is not challenged beyond his/her capacity is very misleading. Even the apostles of Christ were challenged beyond their capacity (suffering and tortured to death.) In CP I found this to be an excuse to push somebody beyond of what their capable of doing and in many cases I think it caused a lot of emotional, mental, physical damage to people who served in the ministry.
I was manipulated by one of the Unit Leaders during my time in CP. We had a lot of conversations about sex and she even asked my to send her nude picks of myself. During a December break we house-sat together for somebody in the area. We got drunk and she managed to push to stand naked in front of her. This also to other sexual behavior. I felt horrible after everything that happened but she didn't seemed the least but concerned of what it did to me. Her manipulation of me only continued until I finished my commitment. And even afterwards I was still blamed by her as if everything was my fault.
Three years ago I went back to the ministry because I was running away from personal problems. Once back in the ministry and being on the road again I regretted my decision instantly. I felt trapped and wanted to escape but did not know how. Two months down the line I told the unit leader I can't do this anymore and walked away. Trust was broken which I regretted. Now three years later I was able to make peace with CP and even said I'll return. But this too is driven by uncertainty of the future. I'm looking for a space-goat.
I don't want to make the same mistake again by walking into something where there is no getting out. I'm a free-spirited creative person and needs that artistic freedom in my life. Plus I have depression which might make things worse for me (as it has proven 3 years ago). Am I doing the right thing not wanting to go back? Again, I'm driven by guilt for wanting to go back and for not wanting to go back. Any advice/help from ex-CPers?
My desire not to return is stronger but also it is followed by guilt for dropping CP again. Help.
But it was not all good. There was a lot of pressure placed on me that I should continue in the ministry which I did not appreciate. It made me feel guilty for wanting to leave.
I'm an introvert and not having a lot of privacy (because we stayed together in other people's homes) was subconsciously very stressful on me. Also as an introvert I hated doing phone PR. I'm using the word HATE here. Talking to a stranger over a phone, trying to sell your product to him/her is something most introverts dislike doing. But there was this insistence that I do it so that I can grow. Why try change a person's personality? That's like telling a fish to start walking on land. We received a lot of praise from CP when you got pushed beyond your limits. It's not something that should be celebrated or even encouraged. It's irresponsible and can cause psychological damage. Yes, there is this whole thing about "not being challenged beyond your capacity". We should stop reading the Bible as philosophical book and remember that all the letters, accounts and prophecies were written at a very specific people during a very specific time. Historical context is key. Certain promises God made to someone does not necessarily apply to the rest of us. Remember, most promises in the Old Testament were aimed at Israel as a NATION. Not individuals. So, to say that a person is not challenged beyond his/her capacity is very misleading. Even the apostles of Christ were challenged beyond their capacity (suffering and tortured to death.) In CP I found this to be an excuse to push somebody beyond of what their capable of doing and in many cases I think it caused a lot of emotional, mental, physical damage to people who served in the ministry.
I was manipulated by one of the Unit Leaders during my time in CP. We had a lot of conversations about sex and she even asked my to send her nude picks of myself. During a December break we house-sat together for somebody in the area. We got drunk and she managed to push to stand naked in front of her. This also to other sexual behavior. I felt horrible after everything that happened but she didn't seemed the least but concerned of what it did to me. Her manipulation of me only continued until I finished my commitment. And even afterwards I was still blamed by her as if everything was my fault.
Three years ago I went back to the ministry because I was running away from personal problems. Once back in the ministry and being on the road again I regretted my decision instantly. I felt trapped and wanted to escape but did not know how. Two months down the line I told the unit leader I can't do this anymore and walked away. Trust was broken which I regretted. Now three years later I was able to make peace with CP and even said I'll return. But this too is driven by uncertainty of the future. I'm looking for a space-goat.
I don't want to make the same mistake again by walking into something where there is no getting out. I'm a free-spirited creative person and needs that artistic freedom in my life. Plus I have depression which might make things worse for me (as it has proven 3 years ago). Am I doing the right thing not wanting to go back? Again, I'm driven by guilt for wanting to go back and for not wanting to go back. Any advice/help from ex-CPers?
My desire not to return is stronger but also it is followed by guilt for dropping CP again. Help.