Noticing is not the same as recognition.
One can notice a million incidents of abuse. But one will never be capable of acting on this so long as each we notice each incident separately and never, ever ponder all of those incidents together and ask whether they form a pattern.
Here is how I stayed stuck with someone who was abusive. I stayed despite
knowing a great deal about abuse dynamics. I failed to apply what I knew to this specific relationship.
I assumed that I would recognize when it was 'bad enough' and then
leave.
I thought that 'bad enough to leave' would be a recognizable sensation.
No.
A sensation is "a physical feeling or perception resulting from something that happens to or comes into contact with the body."
"
'Bad enough to leave' is not a sensation.
"Bad enough to leave" is a conclusion
you make. A conclusion is not a sensation. A conclusion is a judgment or decision reached by reasoning.
Here is the problem. "Bad enough to leave' is not something one observes.
One observes emotional and physical sensations.
I noticed each and
every incident of asshole behavior on X part. I noticed my fleeting sensations and emotions, I noticed, but I did not reflect on this, nor did I compare this and earlier incidents.
Reflection "serious thought or consideration."
I noticed this, I noticed that.
But, I noted each incident fleetingly, in isolation.
What I failed to do was to connect
all those incidents I observed.
I would not let myself see there was a pattern over time and it was getting worse, and I was losing more and yet more self respect.
If you make lots of observations, you cannot really get a picture of what is going on unless you graph those observations and thus become able to observe
not just points, but the curve, the TREND over time.
You cannot heal unless you feel free to ponder events over time, notice patterns. The kind of thought disruption as described by Chandler in
the Shambhala method of mindfulness would be a way to disrupt
this kind of analytical thought.
If you grow up afraid to draw conclusions about what you observe in your family, you may be just as afraid to draw conclusions that your guru is
abusing power.
Perhaps this is what Chandler describes - habits of thought that make it difficult to apply abstract, analytical thought to what one observes
and convert data into patterns, trends.
It is like an accountant
who adds thousands of numerals into the adding machine -- but never presses the Sum button.
I told myself that because I could notice each incident, I was therefore on the alert and could
leave any time I wanted to.
But, because I noticed each episode in isolation and never "added things up" I never arranged
my thousands of noticings into a pattern that would have also added up my flashes of annoyance
into a sum total of disgust that would have sent me out the door.
The worst of it was I never could admit that I had become afraid of this person without knowing
I was afraid of this person.
I'd learned to live with and ignore fear by growing up in my family of origin.
Good training for enduring years of abuse and subtle boundary insults.
One can notice a million incidents of abuse. But one will never be capable of acting on this so long as each we notice each incident separately and never, ever ponder all of those incidents together and ask whether they form a pattern.
Here is how I stayed stuck with someone who was abusive. I stayed despite
knowing a great deal about abuse dynamics. I failed to apply what I knew to this specific relationship.
I assumed that I would recognize when it was 'bad enough' and then
leave.
I thought that 'bad enough to leave' would be a recognizable sensation.
No.
A sensation is "a physical feeling or perception resulting from something that happens to or comes into contact with the body."
"
'Bad enough to leave' is not a sensation.
"Bad enough to leave" is a conclusion
you make. A conclusion is not a sensation. A conclusion is a judgment or decision reached by reasoning.
Here is the problem. "Bad enough to leave' is not something one observes.
One observes emotional and physical sensations.
I noticed each and
every incident of asshole behavior on X part. I noticed my fleeting sensations and emotions, I noticed, but I did not reflect on this, nor did I compare this and earlier incidents.
Reflection "serious thought or consideration."
I noticed this, I noticed that.
But, I noted each incident fleetingly, in isolation.
What I failed to do was to connect
all those incidents I observed.
I would not let myself see there was a pattern over time and it was getting worse, and I was losing more and yet more self respect.
If you make lots of observations, you cannot really get a picture of what is going on unless you graph those observations and thus become able to observe
not just points, but the curve, the TREND over time.
You cannot heal unless you feel free to ponder events over time, notice patterns. The kind of thought disruption as described by Chandler in
the Shambhala method of mindfulness would be a way to disrupt
this kind of analytical thought.
If you grow up afraid to draw conclusions about what you observe in your family, you may be just as afraid to draw conclusions that your guru is
abusing power.
Perhaps this is what Chandler describes - habits of thought that make it difficult to apply abstract, analytical thought to what one observes
and convert data into patterns, trends.
It is like an accountant
who adds thousands of numerals into the adding machine -- but never presses the Sum button.
I told myself that because I could notice each incident, I was therefore on the alert and could
leave any time I wanted to.
But, because I noticed each episode in isolation and never "added things up" I never arranged
my thousands of noticings into a pattern that would have also added up my flashes of annoyance
into a sum total of disgust that would have sent me out the door.
The worst of it was I never could admit that I had become afraid of this person without knowing
I was afraid of this person.
I'd learned to live with and ignore fear by growing up in my family of origin.
Good training for enduring years of abuse and subtle boundary insults.