Quote
[www.ex-cult.org]
I used to be afraid of having my smug little syda fantasy life destroyed.
I heard about things I refused to investigate. I hid behind the lie that my
own inner experiences validated and exonerated syda and its gurus. What was
I hiding from? What were we all hiding from when we put on our blinders
along with our rudraksha beads?
I think I was hiding from my vulnerability. Syda seemed to offer me a path
to invulnerability, to a fantastic and infantile vision of safety. Having
rejected syda, I find myself returning to personhood, becoming a regular
person again. Does this seem familiar?
This is how I see it: We have descended from the high mountains of
discipleship and supreme attainment, and where have we arrived? We have
arrived at our brokenness, our human frailty, our flawed natures, our
weakness. We have arrived at our vulnerability, the same vulnerability which
once led us blindly into betrayal and humiliation. But that was because we
were afraid of our vulnerability and we were running away from it. This time
we have arrived at our vulnerability in acceptance of it.
What was all that nonsense about putting on the broad smile of the fantasy
life?
Why did I think I needed to dress up my limping psyche in the royal
colors of the magic kingdom and the phony pride of denial?
Siddha yoga
appeared to be a fortress which would protect me forever from my
vulnerability. After all those years I am discovering that my vulnerability
needs me to accept it, not to run from it, or destroy it, or transcend it.
It now seems to me that this understanding unlocked the gate which held me
inside syda long after my inner voice told me to leave.
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