It can become very complicated to form an intimate friendship (platonic or not)
with someone who is questioning his or her commitment to remain in monastic life.
But the area for potential misunderstanding yawns wider if the two of you
are from different cultures.
In the West, where persons usually do choose whether to live vowed lives, those who do so are often very attractive personalities.
There is a scenario in which an unhappily married person has a hidden affair while
planning and going through a divorce.
The married person shares his or her rage and anguish with the lover and they both assume that after the divorce, they will be a couple.
Sometimes this does not happen. The divorcee suddenly finds the longtime lover
unappealing -- and looks for new opportunities.
It is as though the lover is discarded after he or she has 'absorbed' all the tension the divorcee endured during the ordeal and the final stage of the divorce is to ditch the supportive lover, along with signing over half of the community property.
And, there can be complications dating someone who is 'on the rebound' having exited a marriage or long time partnership. Dating someone who is just freed
from vows or is waiting to be laiacized can bring emotional pitfalls.
Dating monks and clergy there may be a similar hazard.
Some of us who have had traumatic upbringing and whose hearts are wounded unconsciously assume that a person vowed to religious life (whether priest or monastic)is somehow 'safe".
No. Not at all. The potential for anguished emotional betrayal remains and is even enhanced, even when the friendship has been platonic.
Years ago, a woman told me she was a friend of a Catholic monastic who took several years to give up his monastic vows and re-enter secular life.
"As soon as he left the monastery and went secular, I was dumped", X said.
The guy could not confide in his fellow monastics. So he'd spent anguished hours talking things over with X, but suddenly, when free of his vows and in secular life, X could no longer face her and stopped returning phone calls.
A generous person, X suspected that she'd been the fellows emotional lifeline while he was in the monastery. She also had the generosity to suspect that he hated treating her this way but could not help himself. Her guess is that while he was processing his departure from vowed life and arranging an outside job and living arrangment, X had made himself emotionally vulnerable to X, with the result that she had witnessed him in utter emotional chaos.
When X and her friend were no longer separated by the monastic vows, the ex monk was probably terrified to face her because of this and found it easier to look for new friends he could show only part of himself to.
with someone who is questioning his or her commitment to remain in monastic life.
But the area for potential misunderstanding yawns wider if the two of you
are from different cultures.
In the West, where persons usually do choose whether to live vowed lives, those who do so are often very attractive personalities.
There is a scenario in which an unhappily married person has a hidden affair while
planning and going through a divorce.
The married person shares his or her rage and anguish with the lover and they both assume that after the divorce, they will be a couple.
Sometimes this does not happen. The divorcee suddenly finds the longtime lover
unappealing -- and looks for new opportunities.
It is as though the lover is discarded after he or she has 'absorbed' all the tension the divorcee endured during the ordeal and the final stage of the divorce is to ditch the supportive lover, along with signing over half of the community property.
And, there can be complications dating someone who is 'on the rebound' having exited a marriage or long time partnership. Dating someone who is just freed
from vows or is waiting to be laiacized can bring emotional pitfalls.
Dating monks and clergy there may be a similar hazard.
Some of us who have had traumatic upbringing and whose hearts are wounded unconsciously assume that a person vowed to religious life (whether priest or monastic)is somehow 'safe".
No. Not at all. The potential for anguished emotional betrayal remains and is even enhanced, even when the friendship has been platonic.
Years ago, a woman told me she was a friend of a Catholic monastic who took several years to give up his monastic vows and re-enter secular life.
"As soon as he left the monastery and went secular, I was dumped", X said.
The guy could not confide in his fellow monastics. So he'd spent anguished hours talking things over with X, but suddenly, when free of his vows and in secular life, X could no longer face her and stopped returning phone calls.
A generous person, X suspected that she'd been the fellows emotional lifeline while he was in the monastery. She also had the generosity to suspect that he hated treating her this way but could not help himself. Her guess is that while he was processing his departure from vowed life and arranging an outside job and living arrangment, X had made himself emotionally vulnerable to X, with the result that she had witnessed him in utter emotional chaos.
When X and her friend were no longer separated by the monastic vows, the ex monk was probably terrified to face her because of this and found it easier to look for new friends he could show only part of himself to.